Oh May Gosh.

It's already MAY?! It has been FAR too long since I last wrote anything on my blog... And I'm currently punching myself for waiting so long, because I am now feeling overwhelmed with so much information and experiences from the last two months, that I don't want to begin!... (i'll keep it brief and only share the most important stuff)

Last I wrote, I mentioned that my freshman class had started "Missa Brevis". We're now a week and a half away from performing, (not to mention, two weeks away from finishing my second freshman year) and I couldn't be more excited! The process has been quite slow, but also very enjoyable. I absolutely adore my teacher Laura Glenn (even if she takes forever to set the choreography on our class, and drives me a little insane in the rehearsal process). She has taught me a LOT about moving with breath, and has guided me on this amazing path that has begun to change the way I approach all of my work. As I get tired and stressed, I often have to remind myself how lucky I am to be working with such incredible teachers. Some of the best in the world. 

In the past couple months I have had some pretty dark days, accompanied with some amazing days as well. What I'm learning is that it all comes down to what I put into my life. Choosing to enrich my mind with truth (specifically truth from the Book of Mormon) never fails to enlighten and bless my life. When I choose not to incorporate truth in my life, I become anxious, unhappy and feel as though I have no control or purpose. 

I've been spending a lot of time with a Buddhist friend, along with many other friends who do not share my same beliefs, and I have begun this new journey of learning and questioning basically EVERYTHING I thought I undoubtedly knew. I have struggled more with the realization that I have so many questions about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and have struggled less with what those questions actually are. I've felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea that I may not always be confident to say that "I know". Sometimes I get two Eliza's in my head: one that is asking all of these obscure, odd, and "never crossed my mind" kind of questions - and the other that reassures my uneasiness by simply reminding me of what I do know... reminding me of experiences that have manifested the truthfulness of Christ's restored church that I will never and could never deny (sigh of relief and peace). This always reminds me of Pres. Uchtdorf's talk, "Come, Join With Us", when he says to "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." I wouldn't always consider my questions as doubts either... though I do think that they often lead to feelings of doubt. But that is truly all we can do until we receive answers to those questions through fervent prayer, study, and obedience. In the book of Alma chapter 26 verse 22 it says, "Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing- unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed..." The Lord promises us that as we seek truth, acting in obedience to his commandments, we will receive answers to EVERY QUESTION we may have... even the crazy questions that I somehow manage to think up as I am constantly expanding my perspective among my new friends. And I'll tell you this... I have had so many manifestations of truth- powerful experiences. And that is exactly why I've had the opposition- the many questions and doubts clouding my brain. So many of the questions that I often have a hard time explaining exactly what they are, are ALWAYS answered in ways that I cannot fully explain or express. But somehow they no longer become questions, and are replaced with faith and an understanding like I have never experienced before. 

...so if you're having doubts, don't freak out. The Lord will never withhold knowledge from those who are sincerely and actively seeking. 

Eliza Jane

This week has been a good one :) We started rehearsals for "Missa Brevis" that we will be performing in May, and so far it's been a lot of fun. This is one of Jose Limon's signature pieces, and each year the freshman class works with Laura Glenn (our Limon technique teacher) to put it together. The upperclassmen have all had very positive experiences when they were freshmen, which makes me excited to keep learning more and working with my class. 

Over the last two weeks I've had the opportunity to sit in on two lessons with the missionaries in my singles ward as they've taught a new investigator of the church whose name is Hyla. She is 18 years old, and dances at the Joffrey Ballet School here in NY. I adore her! The first time I went to a lesson, I was so nervous (knowing the missionaries would be asking me to share a few thoughts), and I didn't want to say anything to offend, confuse, or mislead Hyla in any way. As soon as I got there, we said an opening prayer, and I continued to pray that I could be calm and share what was in my heart when the time came. Sure enough, the missionaries turned to me and asked me how I have come to know that Christ is my Savior. My thoughts were racing a million miles an hour trying to quickly formulate the best answer, and finally I just had to take a breath and simply be honest. I shared a few things with her, and I don't even know if she thought twice about what I said... but I learned in that moment that the best thing to do when sharing my testimony with a non-member is to just be honest! To first, strive to have the Spirit with me, and then trust my testimony and speak with confidence. The next lesson I went to, I felt much more comfortable, and as I got to know Hyla a little better I felt like I was able to share my thoughts without hesitation. There is something so exciting and exhilarating about sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and though my missionary efforts are very small, I have loved every experience I have had! It is a constant reminder of the many blessings and purpose the Gospel brings to my life, and I love sharing that with others. 

If there is one thing I'm passionate about, it is the Gospel! 

... and dance, of course. (combine the two, and I will be happy forever... okay, eventually add a hubby and little family to that as well, then I am set)

Valentines Day was full of love, but mostly sugar. It was great despite my singleness ;)

Here are a few photos from the last week or so... 

Daisy and I put on face masks, ran around the grungy dorm halls and both ended the night laughing until we legitimately peed our pants... (Am I embarrassed to say that? Yes, actually, I am a little embarrassed, but oh well.)

My Brookie Baby came to visit for a day! It was so fun to see her! She's a trainee with Joffrey Chicago and came out for an audition. Miss and love this beautiful girl!

Oh, also, this cute red heart shirt was a gift from my sweet mamma! She sent me a little valentine package. I am so blessed to have such a sweetheart of a mother.

So, the last week and a half has been great. I made it through without Instagram or Facebook on my phone! I did give myself 10 minutes at some point each evening to check them on my computer... I set my timer and literally scrolled through faster than I ever have. It was almost like a race against the time to see how far I could get down the newsfeed. Often times I'd be done and bored before the 10 minutes were up... which was pretty surprising to be honest haha... I will also confess that I played candy crush a LOT. (crap) When I would go to check my phone, and realized I couldn't, candy crush became the go to. I'm so mad at myself! I will say, though, that each time I pulled out my phone habitually, I remembered why I deleted those apps and I was able to reflect more each time on how it has affected me. For the first 5 or 6 days I realized how often I had the desire to check them, and I was not very impressed with myself... I want my desires to be more uplifting, more selfless, and more righteous all the time. I'm still trying to figure out how to replace those distractions with something better worth my time... 

I think the point of all of this for me is just to recognize that, though the media can be used in positive ways, (lately) it has become a major distraction and prevented progress in each aspect of my life. I will still watch Downton Abbey and The Bachelor each week, and I will still keep my Facebook and Instagram accounts, they are not bad! I just need to have more power over how much time I spend using them... and I think I am headed in the right direction of figuring that out. yay!

I have noticed more recently how much less I think about Facebook and Instagram just from taking a break away, and that has been extremely refreshing. 

If you're a social media fiend like me, I highly recommend trying this yourself :)

That's all I've got today...

Eliza Jane

a blah day

Today has been a.... day. Nothing to make me especially happy or excited, and nothing that has made me sad or upset. But it's just been one of those days that you can't figure out why you don't really feel ANYTHING. I like to classify these days as "blah" days. I've felt distracted and like I have lost motivation and self-control. I sat down at my desk, starting by watching "I am a Mormon" videos (don't know why I love these, but I do) on mormon.org, followed by even more time spent on facebook. My intention after attending church this morning was to come home, eat lunch, read from multiple different books (both church and school related), and write letters to missionary friends. I got sucked into worthless distractions, which lately seems to happen way too often, and I also seemed to eat more (oops) than I intended while aimlessly wandering through my facebook newsfeed. 

I absolutely hate days like these. I hate feeling like my carnal desires have taken over, and I don't have control over how I spend my time.

I also hate to confess that I am an instagram and facebook fiend. When I feel overwhelmed, bored, nervous, happy, upset (okay.. really any and every emotion), I get on my phone and scroll through my instagram or facebook. It's become second nature, and half the time I don't even realize how much time I am wasting on these social networking sites. 

I have this irrational fear that if I get rid of these things on my phone, I'll be so disconnected from everything. Like I'll be missing out on VERY important information. Then in my attempt to justify, I say to myself, "If the Lord asked me to get rid of these distractions, I would do it immediately! Of course." Aaaand then I proceed to pull my phone out and check insta again. Ultimately, I want to find a balance between these two extremes- constant connectedness and complete absence from social media. 

I know I'm not alone in this social media "battle", and I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way! It's something that I think we are all aware of, but are individually unable, unwilling, or uninterested to do anything about.

I've decided (about 5 minutes ago while writing this confessional blog post) that I am going to delete facebook and instagram off of my phone. I've needed to do this for a while, known I've needed to, but have talked myself out of it every time. I feel that I am missing out on so many opportunities to feel and be guided by the spirit, to serve others, and to simply be present when I am with other people. Without really recognizing it, so much of my mind has been consumed in this unimportant cyber world.

(just deleted them...... i feel.... fine...)

I am going to start off by going a week without these two little friends on my phone. 

WISH ME LUCK.

But. Can I just say... I seriously ALREADY FEEL BETTER. 

I will report a week from now how everything goes, assuming some of you might be interested to know. I expect that I will be much more productive... although candy crush might become my next problem. 

snapchat and whatsapp get to stay.... but as you can see, fb and insta are goners.

Eliza Jane

I just completed my first week of my second semester at Juilliard, and I feel like it's been a month. It has gone by so slowly! I think after being home and strengthening relationships with family and friends there, it has made this transition back to school feel slow. The days seem to blend together, and sometimes I forget which day it is... but we do have a pretty consistent routine and are generally always busy with a project of some sort, and I've really liked that about the program. 

I'm attending the Lincoln Square singles ward just across the street from school in the LDS Manhattan Temple/church building, and I've really enjoyed it. There are some amazing people there (though I am just barely starting to really get to know some of them... oops). The majority of the members in the ward are college graduates, and tend to be a bit older than me, which has made it a challenge to really connect with anyone... so, I've made a resolution to put myself out there and make more friends this year. Heavenly Father must know, because I just received a calling TODAY to be in charge of planning events for the "younger" members in the ward. I think this will be a perfect opportunity to get to know friends and help others (myself included) feel more comfortable at church. I'm excited about it! 

I'm mostly excited to be back at school to get back into my routine. Christmas break was amazing, but I was HORRIBLY lazy about reading my scriptures, praying, and really doing anything productive... haha. New York has brought out the better parts of me... the motivated, inspired, happy and curious side of me... and I think that's a very good thing :)

SnapChat picture of Lincoln Square.

Sometimes I forget what is right outside of the Juilliard bubble... amazing location!

Reunited with my main man, SEAN. Missed this boy!

(it was a long day, hence the rough face on the right)

A group of my friends went on an excursion to Laduree, a French bakery with the best macaroons ever... one of those baby sized treats cost me 3 bucks... it was delicious and totally worth it. 

 I wrote this on New Years Day at 2 am with my best friend Savannah

I'm not going to take the time to explain what all of these mean, but these are some things that I hope to implement this year.

Eliza Jane

I have officially finished up my first semester at Juilliard, and I can't believe it! The time has flown by, and I'm now happily spending Christmas break in Utah with my family. Prior to leaving, I performed in New Dances in the Peter Jay Sharp Theater. This is a yearly Juilliard production for the dance division, and each class has a different choreographer who creates a new piece. The Freshman class worked with Takehiro Euyama for about two and a half months. Our process was a bit challenging (he was not a very personable guy... which made it hard to relate) but I did learn a lot and had so much fun performing with my class for the first time. Each class got to watch each other in dress rehearsal, and it was INSPIRING. I felt honored, lucky, and proud to be surrounded by such amazing artists. 

As I've been in New York I've thought a lot about talents... why each of us have specific talents, and how we use them in positive ways. I've specifically been focusing on my dancing, and really pondering how my role as a believer in Christ can be evident through this talent. At Juilliard, there is an emphasis placed upon the students to recognize that we are all communicators. What we choose to communicate is entirely up to us. Whether I choreograph on others with a specific theme or idea, or am left to interpret choreography given to me, I am always communicating something to those watching. I have felt that I may not ever know how to successfully implement this desire when I don't always have the freedom to create my own movement, but I do know that I can continue in this discovery by simply living a Christ-centered life. 

I'm a big believer of the cliche, "everything in life happens for a reason." I believe that I am at Juilliard for specific reasons; some known at this point, with many more unknown. Every experience in my past, great or small, has prepared me for this time in NYC. There is an excitement I feel not knowing exactly what will come from my time at Juilliard, but because I have received a personal confirmation that I am where I am supposed to be, I have felt the freedom to explore and open my mind to so much. I've never been so excited to learn or to obtain knowledge, until now! I am at the perfect place to do just that, and I thank my Heavenly Father often for this opportunity.

Eliza Jane

As I said above, I have been home for the holidays... and I've got some pictures to prove it! enjoy

This is my best friend, Savannah. She is my soul mate! 

Lucky me, I got to visit Temple Square before they took the lights down. 

So beautiful! 

These are all of my siblings (excluding Braden who is serving an LDS misison in Poland) and I love them dearly. oh, and we're all going to the beach this summer. HOLLA. 

the lowdown

It has been 15 weeks since I moved to NYC, and I can honestly say that I have enjoyed (almost) every minute. My mind has been opened in so many new ways. When I began school, I felt like I had to basically strip away all previous information about what dancing meant to me, and almost start over in a different way. In order to obtain all of the new information I have been receiving, I've had to take a step back and learn how to work in a more efficient way... a process which I will continue to learn and re-learn my whole dancing career. The thing that I have been so impressed with about this program is the emphasis that is placed upon how individual each dancer is. We are not at Juilliard to conform to any specific "ideal". I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin, while simultaneously feeling so out of my comfort zone. It's pretty amazing. Aside from the wonderful program and my growth as a dancer, I've learned so much about myself while being so far from home. I have a clearer understanding of who I ultimately want to become, and am constantly surprised at how much I still have to learn about life and my purpose, not only here in NYC, but wherever I may be. 

I live in a small dorm room in a "suite" with 6 other girls, and share a room with my cute friend Juliann. She is from California, and is here for a masters in piano performance. We get a long great, and I am loving getting to know her better!

Jules and I :)

                  

My room and view from the suite 

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