I wonder.

I'm starting my third week of my sophomore year at The Juilliard School, and BOY, am I happy to be back. My summer was definitely one to remember, but was about two or three weeks too long (though I never thought I'd ever feel that way haha...). I am living in the dorms once again, and have the same wonderful roommate that I had last year- Miss Juliann Ma. We're on the 28th floor- the highest available floor for students- although the view is absolutely amazing, the elevator rides each day (with stops at almost every floor along the way to pick up bunches of other students) often makes me wish I was living 10 floors below instead. 

This weekend was jam packed full of spiritual epiphanies, and as a result, I am feeling especially motivated to share some of those experiences with those of you who take the time to read my simple blog. 

I am currently reading the book, "Journey to the Veil" by John Pontius (also the author of Visions of Glory and Following the Light of Christ into His Presence). If you are looking for a book to uplift, inspire, and motivate you... this is IT (in addition to the Book of Mormon, of course *wink wink). This book is a compilation of blog posts written by John before he passed away. As I've spent time reading, I have received answer after answer about many of the questions that have been on my mind. I often study first from the Book of Mormon and Bible, followed by reading a few chapters in "Journey to the Veil". It's almost unbelievable how perfectly applicable this book has been with the questions and feelings in my heart. Always a simple, but wonderful reminder that the Lord is aware of me and guides and blesses me, even in the smallest details of my day. Within my studies over the last few days, I have recognized a reoccurring theme of faith, and the power that having complete faith can bring into our lives. I think what has brought about this theme is the combination of John's example and his experiences, along with my own recent attempts to strengthen my testimony and faith as I begin a new school year away from my Utah, Mormon populated, home. 

John Pontius, aka "Brother John", shares this example in one of his posts:

"We may have faith that Heavenly Father loves us and has the power to heal an illness or disease we may have. But we may simultaneously believe (or assume because of what others have taught us) that Heavenly Father wants us to learn some lesson through our suffering, or that we must seek a medical solution first, turning to Him only as a last resort. Or we may conclude that since we haven't personally seen this magnitude of healing with our own eyes, He may just not be doing healings of this degree nowadays, and thus, we doubt the will of God to heal us- not His power- but His intention to do so. In other words, we have great faith He can, we just don't believe He will, and thus uninspired belief (unbelief) smothers our faith."

This caused me to stop and think for a moment about the type of faith that I have. I have ALWAYS been one among the many who say, "if it doesn't happen, it just wasn't His will". While I am a firm believer that God does have a plan for each of His children, this lesson from John made me think a bit differently about what kind of faith I have and the kind of faith that I am capable of developing. There must be a difference between having complete faith in the power of God to perform miracles while simultaneously telling and preparing ourselves that if it doesn't work out that it wasn't His will, vs. simply having complete faith and trusting FULLY in the power of God to perform miracles. ("simply" does not mean it is a simple task)

I don't really know what the answer is, or exactly the conclusion that I am trying to make, but I guess I just wonder if somehow that kind of conditional faith has something to do with the outcome of our lives. If we had unfailing faith, without the almost doubt filled phrase "if it is his will" in our minds, would we be witnesses and receivers of even more magnificent miracles?

.... I really believe we would.

It's almost like a defense mechanism. Having complete faith in the Lord is not easy, comfortable, and often not comprehensible. We prepare ourselves for the worst, so that when the worst comes, we won't be crushed, confused, or doubting of the power of God. For certain situations in life, I think that approach is appropriate and beneficial... but I wonder if having this kind of "defensive faith" in the Lord, weakens our faith without being fully aware of it. 

Can we have complete faith in the power of God to perform mighty miracles, to then experience a terrible tragedy or loss, but also have complete faith in the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to cover the pain and loss that we are experiencing? 

John concludes his thoughts with these powerful words:

"The scriptures promise us that these same blessings are ours to claim, so believe in your right to claim them. Tell yourself you believe them. Tell God in prayer that you believe them. Remind yourself hourly, if necessary, that you believe these promises apply to you personally. Herein lies a key. If you do this, something astonishing will happen- you will find that once you believe, nothing doubting, the heavens do not have the ability to withhold them from your sight."

Believe that He will. Not that He can, but that He will! In every situation, believe that God will heal, protect, provide, and accompany us through every trial and triumph.

Eliza Jane

go with the flow

This summer has been quite monumental in terms of my personal progression and learning. I've met some new friends and people that have unknowingly taught and reminded me to fully trust in The Lord. I've had expectations in situations where I clearly shouldn't have, and through a little (heart)-aching I've realized that the only solution is to set aside my personal desires to instead listen to and more willingly trust The Lord and let the spirit guide me moment by moment as I move forward with my life.

I spent some time in NYC attending a three week workshop and had such a memorable and wonderful time! While the majority of what I was learning had much to do with dance and more specifically creating movement, I always seem to find ways to tie my dance life into my everyday life. As a result, I have begun to realize that dance is so much more than something that I "do", but is an eternally important part of who I am. 

One mind blowing realization that I had came from one of my workshop teachers. He was referring specifically to "creating" and said that when we try to MAKE something happen as opposed to LETTING something happen, (when improvising with another dancer, or choreographing etc) that we only have the potential to create something we have already known or experienced before. This then causes feelings of frustration because we limit progression and feel incapable of producing something new and great. We often short-change ourselves by drawing continually from our limited mortal knowledge and the reservoir of previous experiences we have had. If we allow ourselves to be fully present  and aware in each moment, and rid ourselves of expectations, we'll open up ourselves to a whole new world of creativity and opportunities.

As I thought more about that, I couldn't help but recognize that I have often approached relationships (friendships included) with an expectation of what it should be- what it should feel like, and how things should evolve. I put pressure on myself to make things happen the way I think they should. I realized if I continue to do that, I'll continue to limit the potential of that relationship. So that takes me back to trust. Trust in myself, trust in the sensations and things I am feeling with and for that person, and most importantly, trust in The Lord. We don't have to make anything happen, things will simply be if they are supposed to be. If we LET "it" happen (whatever "it" may be), it can become something entirely new or fresh. We can eliminate the "do" of the equation. I love the quote, "The Lord can make so much more of us than we can make of ourselves." I think that The Lord can make so much more of EVERYTHING than we can. But only if we allow him to do so!

There has been something difficult about spending time with and developing close relationships with multiple people throughout my (short) adult life. What often messes me up is the familiarity between the physical, situational, and even sometimes the emotional aspects of each relationship. It's not that I necessarily put a legitimate label on those familiar aspects, but it's the familiarity that often takes me out of the raw or present moments. I've concluded that when all aspects of a relationship are approached or evolve with a genuine and sincere intent, "familiar" no longer becomes an issue. It ALL feels and becomes new, because it IS new to me and my experience at that present time. It becomes less about what happens or where things may go. I'm learning that it is perfectly okay to allow myself to be affected by any and all outside factors (the factors that are out of my control), and it's even more exciting to let those things direct or alter my course- in my everyday human and dancer life. It's all about the experience and intention behind our efforts that create beautiful, honest, fulfilling and NEW relationships and friendships.

It's refreshing to realize that I actually CAN worry less, trust more, and let life unfold with excitement and hope. As I keep commandments and covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father, I believe and trust that He will guide me and assist me in my endeavors to BE PRESENT in each moment of my life.

Eliza Jane

Oh May Gosh.

It's already MAY?! It has been FAR too long since I last wrote anything on my blog... And I'm currently punching myself for waiting so long, because I am now feeling overwhelmed with so much information and experiences from the last two months, that I don't want to begin!... (i'll keep it brief and only share the most important stuff)

Last I wrote, I mentioned that my freshman class had started "Missa Brevis". We're now a week and a half away from performing, (not to mention, two weeks away from finishing my second freshman year) and I couldn't be more excited! The process has been quite slow, but also very enjoyable. I absolutely adore my teacher Laura Glenn (even if she takes forever to set the choreography on our class, and drives me a little insane in the rehearsal process). She has taught me a LOT about moving with breath, and has guided me on this amazing path that has begun to change the way I approach all of my work. As I get tired and stressed, I often have to remind myself how lucky I am to be working with such incredible teachers. Some of the best in the world. 

In the past couple months I have had some pretty dark days, accompanied with some amazing days as well. What I'm learning is that it all comes down to what I put into my life. Choosing to enrich my mind with truth (specifically truth from the Book of Mormon) never fails to enlighten and bless my life. When I choose not to incorporate truth in my life, I become anxious, unhappy and feel as though I have no control or purpose. 

I've been spending a lot of time with a Buddhist friend, along with many other friends who do not share my same beliefs, and I have begun this new journey of learning and questioning basically EVERYTHING I thought I undoubtedly knew. I have struggled more with the realization that I have so many questions about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and have struggled less with what those questions actually are. I've felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea that I may not always be confident to say that "I know". Sometimes I get two Eliza's in my head: one that is asking all of these obscure, odd, and "never crossed my mind" kind of questions - and the other that reassures my uneasiness by simply reminding me of what I do know... reminding me of experiences that have manifested the truthfulness of Christ's restored church that I will never and could never deny (sigh of relief and peace). This always reminds me of Pres. Uchtdorf's talk, "Come, Join With Us", when he says to "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." I wouldn't always consider my questions as doubts either... though I do think that they often lead to feelings of doubt. But that is truly all we can do until we receive answers to those questions through fervent prayer, study, and obedience. In the book of Alma chapter 26 verse 22 it says, "Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing- unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed..." The Lord promises us that as we seek truth, acting in obedience to his commandments, we will receive answers to EVERY QUESTION we may have... even the crazy questions that I somehow manage to think up as I am constantly expanding my perspective among my new friends. And I'll tell you this... I have had so many manifestations of truth- powerful experiences. And that is exactly why I've had the opposition- the many questions and doubts clouding my brain. So many of the questions that I often have a hard time explaining exactly what they are, are ALWAYS answered in ways that I cannot fully explain or express. But somehow they no longer become questions, and are replaced with faith and an understanding like I have never experienced before. 

...so if you're having doubts, don't freak out. The Lord will never withhold knowledge from those who are sincerely and actively seeking. 

Eliza Jane

This week has been a good one :) We started rehearsals for "Missa Brevis" that we will be performing in May, and so far it's been a lot of fun. This is one of Jose Limon's signature pieces, and each year the freshman class works with Laura Glenn (our Limon technique teacher) to put it together. The upperclassmen have all had very positive experiences when they were freshmen, which makes me excited to keep learning more and working with my class. 

Over the last two weeks I've had the opportunity to sit in on two lessons with the missionaries in my singles ward as they've taught a new investigator of the church whose name is Hyla. She is 18 years old, and dances at the Joffrey Ballet School here in NY. I adore her! The first time I went to a lesson, I was so nervous (knowing the missionaries would be asking me to share a few thoughts), and I didn't want to say anything to offend, confuse, or mislead Hyla in any way. As soon as I got there, we said an opening prayer, and I continued to pray that I could be calm and share what was in my heart when the time came. Sure enough, the missionaries turned to me and asked me how I have come to know that Christ is my Savior. My thoughts were racing a million miles an hour trying to quickly formulate the best answer, and finally I just had to take a breath and simply be honest. I shared a few things with her, and I don't even know if she thought twice about what I said... but I learned in that moment that the best thing to do when sharing my testimony with a non-member is to just be honest! To first, strive to have the Spirit with me, and then trust my testimony and speak with confidence. The next lesson I went to, I felt much more comfortable, and as I got to know Hyla a little better I felt like I was able to share my thoughts without hesitation. There is something so exciting and exhilarating about sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and though my missionary efforts are very small, I have loved every experience I have had! It is a constant reminder of the many blessings and purpose the Gospel brings to my life, and I love sharing that with others. 

If there is one thing I'm passionate about, it is the Gospel! 

... and dance, of course. (combine the two, and I will be happy forever... okay, eventually add a hubby and little family to that as well, then I am set)

Valentines Day was full of love, but mostly sugar. It was great despite my singleness ;)

Here are a few photos from the last week or so... 

Daisy and I put on face masks, ran around the grungy dorm halls and both ended the night laughing until we legitimately peed our pants... (Am I embarrassed to say that? Yes, actually, I am a little embarrassed, but oh well.)

My Brookie Baby came to visit for a day! It was so fun to see her! She's a trainee with Joffrey Chicago and came out for an audition. Miss and love this beautiful girl!

Oh, also, this cute red heart shirt was a gift from my sweet mamma! She sent me a little valentine package. I am so blessed to have such a sweetheart of a mother.

So, the last week and a half has been great. I made it through without Instagram or Facebook on my phone! I did give myself 10 minutes at some point each evening to check them on my computer... I set my timer and literally scrolled through faster than I ever have. It was almost like a race against the time to see how far I could get down the newsfeed. Often times I'd be done and bored before the 10 minutes were up... which was pretty surprising to be honest haha... I will also confess that I played candy crush a LOT. (crap) When I would go to check my phone, and realized I couldn't, candy crush became the go to. I'm so mad at myself! I will say, though, that each time I pulled out my phone habitually, I remembered why I deleted those apps and I was able to reflect more each time on how it has affected me. For the first 5 or 6 days I realized how often I had the desire to check them, and I was not very impressed with myself... I want my desires to be more uplifting, more selfless, and more righteous all the time. I'm still trying to figure out how to replace those distractions with something better worth my time... 

I think the point of all of this for me is just to recognize that, though the media can be used in positive ways, (lately) it has become a major distraction and prevented progress in each aspect of my life. I will still watch Downton Abbey and The Bachelor each week, and I will still keep my Facebook and Instagram accounts, they are not bad! I just need to have more power over how much time I spend using them... and I think I am headed in the right direction of figuring that out. yay!

I have noticed more recently how much less I think about Facebook and Instagram just from taking a break away, and that has been extremely refreshing. 

If you're a social media fiend like me, I highly recommend trying this yourself :)

That's all I've got today...

Eliza Jane

a blah day

Today has been a.... day. Nothing to make me especially happy or excited, and nothing that has made me sad or upset. But it's just been one of those days that you can't figure out why you don't really feel ANYTHING. I like to classify these days as "blah" days. I've felt distracted and like I have lost motivation and self-control. I sat down at my desk, starting by watching "I am a Mormon" videos (don't know why I love these, but I do) on mormon.org, followed by even more time spent on facebook. My intention after attending church this morning was to come home, eat lunch, read from multiple different books (both church and school related), and write letters to missionary friends. I got sucked into worthless distractions, which lately seems to happen way too often, and I also seemed to eat more (oops) than I intended while aimlessly wandering through my facebook newsfeed. 

I absolutely hate days like these. I hate feeling like my carnal desires have taken over, and I don't have control over how I spend my time.

I also hate to confess that I am an instagram and facebook fiend. When I feel overwhelmed, bored, nervous, happy, upset (okay.. really any and every emotion), I get on my phone and scroll through my instagram or facebook. It's become second nature, and half the time I don't even realize how much time I am wasting on these social networking sites. 

I have this irrational fear that if I get rid of these things on my phone, I'll be so disconnected from everything. Like I'll be missing out on VERY important information. Then in my attempt to justify, I say to myself, "If the Lord asked me to get rid of these distractions, I would do it immediately! Of course." Aaaand then I proceed to pull my phone out and check insta again. Ultimately, I want to find a balance between these two extremes- constant connectedness and complete absence from social media. 

I know I'm not alone in this social media "battle", and I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way! It's something that I think we are all aware of, but are individually unable, unwilling, or uninterested to do anything about.

I've decided (about 5 minutes ago while writing this confessional blog post) that I am going to delete facebook and instagram off of my phone. I've needed to do this for a while, known I've needed to, but have talked myself out of it every time. I feel that I am missing out on so many opportunities to feel and be guided by the spirit, to serve others, and to simply be present when I am with other people. Without really recognizing it, so much of my mind has been consumed in this unimportant cyber world.

(just deleted them...... i feel.... fine...)

I am going to start off by going a week without these two little friends on my phone. 

WISH ME LUCK.

But. Can I just say... I seriously ALREADY FEEL BETTER. 

I will report a week from now how everything goes, assuming some of you might be interested to know. I expect that I will be much more productive... although candy crush might become my next problem. 

snapchat and whatsapp get to stay.... but as you can see, fb and insta are goners.

Eliza Jane

I just completed my first week of my second semester at Juilliard, and I feel like it's been a month. It has gone by so slowly! I think after being home and strengthening relationships with family and friends there, it has made this transition back to school feel slow. The days seem to blend together, and sometimes I forget which day it is... but we do have a pretty consistent routine and are generally always busy with a project of some sort, and I've really liked that about the program. 

I'm attending the Lincoln Square singles ward just across the street from school in the LDS Manhattan Temple/church building, and I've really enjoyed it. There are some amazing people there (though I am just barely starting to really get to know some of them... oops). The majority of the members in the ward are college graduates, and tend to be a bit older than me, which has made it a challenge to really connect with anyone... so, I've made a resolution to put myself out there and make more friends this year. Heavenly Father must know, because I just received a calling TODAY to be in charge of planning events for the "younger" members in the ward. I think this will be a perfect opportunity to get to know friends and help others (myself included) feel more comfortable at church. I'm excited about it! 

I'm mostly excited to be back at school to get back into my routine. Christmas break was amazing, but I was HORRIBLY lazy about reading my scriptures, praying, and really doing anything productive... haha. New York has brought out the better parts of me... the motivated, inspired, happy and curious side of me... and I think that's a very good thing :)

SnapChat picture of Lincoln Square.

Sometimes I forget what is right outside of the Juilliard bubble... amazing location!

Reunited with my main man, SEAN. Missed this boy!

(it was a long day, hence the rough face on the right)

A group of my friends went on an excursion to Laduree, a French bakery with the best macaroons ever... one of those baby sized treats cost me 3 bucks... it was delicious and totally worth it. 

 I wrote this on New Years Day at 2 am with my best friend Savannah

I'm not going to take the time to explain what all of these mean, but these are some things that I hope to implement this year.

Eliza Jane